Mindless

The working world with its worth of exotica and discovery never fails to impress me with how much financial freedom it would confer to its participants. Having flirted with penury just last year with the bank breaking to pay for quite a few large ticket items, I had resolved to fattening my piggy bank the moment i started work this year. And save I did, and plans for a holiday this December seems to be impending.

For some strange reasons of sort, I felt wildly disorientated.... And I shall attribute it to the one week long school break that had seen the fully stretched elastic rubber being loosened almost too abruptly - I had a few mad weeks of dissertation writing and evening exams to take in concurrent with my teaching stint... with my workload dropping off a precipice at the end of August when all deadlines have been duely met... and culminating in teacher's day celebration and this proverbial one week break.

And perhaps that is because during those mayhem days, I had really intended to meet up with all friends and sms-ing them to say "hey bud, long time no meet. How's life. Hope all's well... and let's meet up sometime in Sept yah. Take care and cheers!".. giving the reasons that once the storm is over, I will be ready to meet them up over a meal for catching up to see how each others' careers, love lives, plans have taken to...

....and then I shudder to think that mine has been almost as stagnant, bland and insipid for the past few months with no news to gush forth, and almost fearful to hear that this friend is expecting and ready to become a first-time Dad/Mum, or that friend has just completed his scholarship bond and is manumited. I am just not ready for all that... I just felt I am what I was a year ago, save with a few extra pounds in my piggy bank. Nothing... absolutely nothing had moved forward. I have become rather predictable.

A breeze of bewilderment came over me. Sure, I have the financial might to pick out the IKEA furniture I fancy on with SL LLG to adorn my aesthetically-overdued bedroom... and I do savour the delectable meals at places I barely frequent, but for some reason not ready to take on the adult world by storm and confront all the responsibilities and customs expected of a typical Singapore urban male.

But I have to.

In a free tarot card reading session offered as a prelude to dinner last Thursday, I dismissed the part about what the cards say about my romantic path, but concur almost with no doubt what came out in the cards for other respects.. particularly of my plan when I hit the golden age of 30. The reader summed it all up neatly - While "this" is your comfort zone, better deals beckon. Go for it as you have always believed."

A smile came over my face. But underneath, a torrent of thoughts came forth. In probability theory, one would always assign a probability to each life event. If A happens with this probability, plan B might be shelved, and what happens after plan A is plan C and plan D. But how hard should I pray for plan A to happen if I do cherish plan B as much, but which I know plan C and D are equally important? But I was quickly reminded that this is tarot card reading after all, and as The Leap Years put it quoting William Shakespear, "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves", I remain... somewhat optimistic, albeit in a subdued manner.